The Trouble with Distance

As the year comes to an end (I have about 2 months left) my brain has started drifting towards going home. I know I have a busy and full 2 months left but with the final retreat and Emma, one of the YAVs in Northern Ireland, leaving it has got me thinking. Because we are so close to going home like I mentioned in my last post, my homesickness is getting stronger and happens more often. I realized today that the reason it is really hard to stay in contact with friends is because every time I talk to my friends I feel like I'm missing out, and I feel sadder after talking to them because I can't be there with them experiencing life.

When I left in September I left an amazing community in Oregon. All my friends stayed in Oregon, so leaving was really hard because I knew I would be the only one missing everything. I have also realized that after doing almost 9 months of 8 hour time difference talking to my friends and family, it gets really hard. It is exhausting trying to organize and plan when you are going to talk to everyone because everyone has their busy lives, myself included.

It is tough to get a time that works every few weeks and when you are trying to do that with lots of different friends it gets exhausting after 9 months. So the worrying feelings of growing apart, and missing out, along with the exhaustion that comes with trying to talk to everyone eventually causes me just want to distract myself rather than dealing with all the sadness and emotions. I knew I was moving far away, and I knew that the distance would be difficult, but I never imagined it would be this difficult and that it would cause me to pull away and become more introverted. As my friends know, I am an extreme extrovert, but over the course of this year I have found myself wanting to be alone more and needing that alone time to recharge, think, and process.

It has become more difficult as we get to the end also, because for me, I will have another year of this struggle. I have made the exciting decision to stay in Glasgow next year and do a one year masters program at the University of Glasgow. I will be getting a MSc in International Business and Entrepreneurship, so although my YAV year in Scotland is ending, I am excited to begin the next adventure. But along with that excitement comes anxiety for these relationships that mean so much to me back at home. I will only be able to be home in California for 3 weeks in the summer visiting family and renewing my visa before I will start school. Parts of me worry that my friendships will change. Another part of me worries because this YAV year has been a life changing year. I can visibly see how I have grown, matured, and changed and sometimes it scares me.

We received a poem called "Passover Remembered" at the beginning of the year that talked about how we might change. It read:

"Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings that even your closest friends will have to learn your features as though for the first time. Some of you will not change at all. 

Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth and feel abandoned by you. Some will find new friendships and unlikely faces, and old friends as faithful and true as the pillar of God's flame."

More an more this poem has spoken to me. I am not sure how people at home will see my differences, if there will still be such easy connections, or if they will have to "relearn my features" so to speak. What I do know is that the distance has been difficult, but it has also been a test of true friendship. I know my friends still care about me and I appreciate them so much. Even though we don't talk as often as we use to, due to the time change and busy schedules, I still love them and miss them just as much. So thank you, friends, for being patient and loving and understanding as I go through this transition process. If we can make it through these times in our lives, we can make it through anything!

Blessings, 

Julie

Moraga, California to Glasgow, Scotland- 5,007 Miles

Eugene, Oregon to Glasgow, Scotland- 4,668 Miles

Homesickness Comes in Waves..

Homesickness comes when you most expect it, like when you live across the world from your family and friends and you are in a new place, or when you miss your favorite holidays. It can wash over you when you look at pictures, or listen to music, or watch a movie you used to watch with friends. It can come in the morning, the middle of the day, or right when you are going to bed. Everyone warned me that it would be difficult to be away from my loved ones but I never imagined how hard it would be to be so far away when illness and death comes your way and I never thought homesickness would come in the month of May, 3 months before returning home.

This week has been the most trying week emotionally. It has been filled with moments of triumph, joy, spirituality, sadness, hurt, and frustration, among many other emotions. This week my mom went into the hospital twice, one of my grandfathers fell and is on crutches, and my other grandfather passed away from Alzheimer's and Kidney Cancer. I can't even explain the feelings and thoughts running through my mind when I found out my mom was in the hospital. But the one clear thought was I wish I was there. I knew I couldn't do anything to help, and I knew nothing would be different if I was in California, but every ounce of me wanted to be with my family and know that my mom was ok. The same feelings and emotions came across me when I heard about my grandpa. I know he is in peace and he is watching over the family but every ounce of me wants to be home to be with my family at this hard time.

Luckily, I was in the best possible place to hear the worst possible news. This week I was on our final retreat for our program which took place on the tiny island of Iona. The small island is 4 miles long and about 1 mile wide but it is a beautiful island with sheep, cows, a 600meter hill, and beautiful beaches. It is a peaceful place home to the Iona Community, which is an ecumenical Christian community of men and women from different walks of life and different traditions in the Christian church committed to seeking new ways of living the gospel of Jesus in today's world. The Iona Community tries its best to fight for social justice issues as a part of a faith in action rather than just practicing a comfortable Sunday worship. The Iona community has a lot of aspects and practices that are very similar to the YAV program's ideals. On Wednesday evening we took part in a commitment service and this prayer that the Iona Community wrote really stuck out to me: 

Let us affirm our faith:

We believe that God is present

in the darkness before dawn

in the waiting and uncertainty

where fear and courage join hands

conflict and caring link arms

and the sun rises over barbed wire.

We believe in a with-us God

who sits down in our midst

to share our humanity.

We affirm a faith

that takes us beyond the safe place:

into action, into vulnerability

and into the streets.

We commit ourselves to work for change

and put ourselves on the line; 

to bear responsibility, take risks, 

live powerfully and face humiliation; 

to stand with those on the edge to choose life

and be used by the spirit

for Gods new community of hope.

Amen.

Throughout this week I was able to reflect on this past year; on all the growth, the accomplishments, and the things I have learned. I have also been able to think about the ways I want to continue to grow, the ways I can still contribute over the next 2 and a bit months, and my future passions and plans. I am so blessed to be in the YAV program, to have had this opportunity, and to have been able to go to Iona during this turbulent time. It gave me a space to think. The retreat allowed me to voice my homesickness to my other YAVs and to remind myself that we have all been there, that the homesickness has come at different times for all of us, but that we support each other through everything. 

I ask for prayers for my family during this time. I ask for prayers for my other YAV volunteers and the decisions we have ahead in the following months as we prepare to finish our volunteer year. 

Blessings, 

Julie

Here are some pictures from the retreat!

Incredible white sand beaches at one end of the island

Sam and I

Emma, one of the Belfast YAVs and I 

 Rockier, darker beaches on the other end of the island

 Amanda and Laura Kate looking out over the ocean

 Sam and I, again, waving to the paparazzi  

 Happened to get a picture at sunset, the cross is actually just some telephone wires

 Candles during the commitment service in the Iona Abbey

 Emma, Hillary, and I

 The four Scotland YAVs, Laura Kate, myself, Sam, and Amanda

 The four of us with Lynn, our site coordinator

 All the UK YAVs, Hillary, Laura Kate, Sam, myself, Amanda, Emma, Leif, and Mark

 Emma and I holding a lamb

 One of the many celtic cross statues on the island

 Myself, Sam, Emma, and Hillary

 Sam and I trying to explore in the rain and wind

 The first selfie with a sheep, many more came after this

A Faith Journey Questioned...

8 months today is a big milestone. Time has flown these last 8 months but it also means it is time for reflection on my time here, what I can do with the remaining time, and how I can grow more. Lately I have been thinking about my spiritual growth. God has been nudging me in my side for a few weeks now and I have been questioning a lot. 

It started with a small slight nudge by God during a conversation with my two friends Anna and Amanda, one whom would not call herself religious, and the other whom would recognize as a Christian. We had a discussion about religion, and guilt, and faith, and our different opinions about it. I respect these friendships so much because although we don't have the same opinions we all are willing to discuss it, learn from one another, and disagree but still love each other for being who we are and what we believe. Anyway, the small nudges started with that conversation and grew stronger with an unsettling questioning feeling about my own faith and beliefs. 

It then grew stronger with a realization that although I am volunteering for a church and living a year in an intentional Christian household, and supposedly growing stronger in my faith, it isn't easy. Over the last few months my relationship with God has felt extremely distant and strained. I don't pray as much as I used to, and although I go to church twice a weekend, once to the presbyterian church I work at, and once to Mass, I am not really listening and am not growing stronger in my faith. So tonight in Mass when the priest talked about knowing your faith and being able to answer questions from people about your faith I realized I am not great at that. I am not confident in my faith and the ins and outs of the Catholic faith. If I want to call myself a Catholic I should be able to answer the simple and the difficult questions from people or at least be interested in researching the answers and get back to them. I think I have been using this year as an excuse to let my relationship with God slip away. 

Another slightly stronger nudge from God about my relationship with him has been through a book I have been reading called The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller; and if you have never read it I highly encourage everyone, religious or not, to read it. It has shaken my understanding of the gospel and of Christianity. I wish I could quote the whole book for you all here but that would be terribly long and you would probably stop reading so I will just share a few quotes that really hit home for me. 

The book talks about the "Prodigal Sons" parable and how there are two sons. Keller explains that both sons are lost and that both are loved by the father and he tells us that "everyone is dedicated to a project of self-salvation, to using God and others in order to get power and control for themselves. We are just going about it in different ways" (44). He also says "the gospel of Jesus is not religion or irreligion, morality or immorality, moralism or relativism, conservatism or liberalism. It says that everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change. He also says the prerequisite for receiving God's grace is to know you need it" (45). 

These quotes illustrate to me that whether we are religious or not, the gospel is still the same; it is that everyone is loved and we just have to accept God's love. Unfortunately, many people don't hear that gospel because there are too many "elder brother" types in the church that are scaring the rest of the people away trying to fulfill that project of self-salvation. 

And the final nudge so far from God, which has been more of a shove in the side lately was a conversation I had at dinner on Friday with my minister Ian, 4 other Americans who currently go to Gorbals Parish Church, Noel a friend and mentor, and another minister that is friends with Ian. We were talking at dinner about how you find like minded people who are your community if you don't find them in the church. Sue, one of the Americans was asking because her and Jim's church was an important place where they found their community but I answered and said I was lucky but mine was through college. I was lucky to meet my best friends from college within the first two weeks of my freshman year. But we are all different. Some of us have a faith, most of us do not. But we are all amazing, loving people who want the same things for the world. We all want peace, and love, and equality. There are a lot of terrible people that would consider themselves Christian and there are just as many amazing people that are not affiliated with a religion but still have the same values as those that are religious. 

And so when I read this quote in the book I just smiled and was at peace. The quote said: "In his parable, Jesus deconstructs the religiosity that is one of the main problems with the world. In this parable Jesus says to us 'Would you please be open to the possibility that the gospel, real Christianity, is something very different from religion?" (69). I don't think it is coincidence that as I was thinking all these thoughts and questioning religion that God led me to read this book that lays it out so plainly. 

I have to make a confession that I have not finished the book but reading this and feeling those nudges from God has encouraged me to strengthen my relationship with him, to research and question my Catholic faith in order to make it stronger, and to always remember to live a life that Jesus would rather than what religion might tell me to. 

Blessings, 

Julie