The Me I Want to Be

Well, I thought a few of my other posts would be my last but as I was told during my YAV year, it is a year of service for a lifetime of change and boy were they right. It has been a whirlwind experience since my YAV year finished. And unlike others, I didn't truly transition from my year because I stayed in Scotland and did my Masters and spent more time in the communities there. I didn't have to say all of those painful goodbyes the first time, and I didn't have to leave a place I loved and try and find myself in an old place (home) that felt different. I definitely had a transition last September and it was different being a student in Glasgow instead of a YAV but I didn't truly go through my transition until the last few months. And due to this amazing experience I think my life will forever be transitioning.

I returned home from Glasgow in November and I returned to a bridal shower and Thanksgiving with Christmas following soon after. I didn't really get a chance to sit back and breathe and think about my journey or how moving back was going to impact me. But since Christmas I have started reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and I have been reading about being vulnerable and about shame. (If you haven't read her books, go buy them now! She is amazing.) Anyway, I have been reading the book and learning about vulnerability at the same time as all of the feelings of moving back have been flooding in.

I am a pretty emotional person and if you know me at all, you will laugh and think that is an understatement. I feel everything with all of my heart and most of the time it is a good thing. For all of the great things and experiences in my life it means that I am extremely positive and happy and meet every situation I am in with joy and excitement. But the other side of that is the heartbreak and sadness that come with change and loss and how to deal with it. Because I feel everything so strongly the sad emotions are felt just as strongly as the happy ones. So the last few months have been overwhelming and exhausting and I am still processing them. But since I am trying to be vulnerable I thought I would share some of my feelings.

I miss Scotland most days, I miss the people mostly, both my friends who became family and the people in all the communities I worked in and lived in. I miss the strangers on the street and I miss the spirit of Scotland. I now appreciate how everyone pulls together and cares about one another and I think Scotland as a country is a very unique place.

I also miss who I got to be in Scotland. I think it takes most people their whole lives to figure out who they want to be, and I was lucky enough to figure that out and be that person in my young twenties. I was placed in a unique situation that pushed me to be independent, solve my own problems, meet new people, and find my own happiness. I grew a confidence that is unexplainable and had a spirit about me that I would never want to lose. I was truly comfortable with my life and who I was as a person.

When I moved home a lot of that changed. I felt like I lost a part of myself and what was worse was I couldn't find the words to explain it to anyone. I moved back in with my parents (after living independently for 6 years), I left a job that I loved, and I left that spirit and confidence in Glasgow. And the last few months have been really hard. I have had to think about who I am in this new space and how do I get that confidence and spirit back. I have had to try and seek out purpose in my everyday life where in Scotland it was naturally given to me. I have had to decide what aspects of a job are deal breakers and what I will settle for. I had to talk and cry about it all to name those feelings. And all of this is new to me so it has been a bit rocky.

Luckily I have had family and friends surrounding me and have had their constant worried looks and comments when I need my space or am cranky because I am unhappy and still trying to figure it out. I am grateful for their patience and still loving me despite it. I know the Bay Area has a lot more to explore and a lot to offer and I am excited for the opportunity to see if it is the place I am looking for. I am excited for the possibility to get that confidence and spirit back and I am ready for all the challenges that come with that. I know the transition is a constant journey between comfort, questioning, and discomfort but I also know that with that comes reflection and learning and growing and I don't see how any of that is bad for a person.

So I hope you join me this year in thinking about your life, and how you can join me in being vulnerable and reflect on your choices and actions to be the you, you want to be.

Blessings,
Julie